I know you don't think much of me because of what I do, the things I say and the way I am. But we're all trying in this world and I may have something that you don't. So don't look at me that way, and don't judge me because you don't know me. Let he who has no sin cast the first stone.
F.E, I wish I could know exactly what you think of me and how to change that because somehow, I don't think it'll be good, or even accurate for that matter. I don't know how I came to give that impression in the first place but that seems to be the way it always goes. I can't seem to give the right impression to the people who matter in that sense. Oh God.
You don't send those tracks to me but you send them to someone you've just met like twice. I know it's nothing but it makes me wonder, hmmm... why? Is it because you don't think I'll appreciate them? And you feel like doing so would be wasted effort?
You never bother to make conversation back. I am at the end of my rope here. There're only so many questions I can ask you and if you don't start talking soon instead of just sitting there and shutting up, well... Oh hell, I've already given up. It's come to the point where I'm too busy thinking of what to say next to keep the conversation going that I'm not even listening to you anymore. You know what desperation is? It looks a bit like that. It feels as if you aren't interested in anyone else but yourself, heck maybe you really aren't. I'm not in for an interview. I want a CONVERSATION. And in my frantic attemps to find SOMETHING to say, I even find myself blurting out painfully obvious things, saying stupid things and parroting what you say, only with a different sentence structure. And everytime I do that, particularly the first and second one, I kick myself over it because I feel so stupid. But finally I realized, it's not my bloody fault! If you would start asking some questions as well like in a NORMAL, equal conversation, I wouldn't have needed to resort to that or I wouldn't be so desperate for something to say that my brain cells all start to malfunction. But then, *shrugs* maybe that's just you.
I begin to wonder, should I even invite you out anymore when I'm in the neighbourhood because if the conversation is as painful for you as it is for me, then you'd groan everytime you see an sms from me. And why do you keep agreeing then? Or are you someone who just finds it hard to say no unless you're really tied up with something? I wish I knew so that if it is so, I can just spare you the misery and not call you out anymore.
What did that question and that statement mean anyway? Is it all just friendly banter and did you end up with your foot in your mouth just because you have nothing else to say, or did you really mean to imply something by it? Do you really see me as that vain and shallow a person? Because seriously, it's got me wondering.
And why did you seem slightly offended when Jimmi made that harmless statement? Is it that bad to be associated with me, or to be said to be enjoying a conversation with me? Is it because you disagree vehemently on that? *scoffs* Is it because you're afraid that I might take it the wrong way and start feeling for you? Or is it merely because you dislike being blamed as a distraction? Are you really THAT sensitive? On this one I am genuinely clueless as to why.
For some reason, I don't even feel comfortable saying out that we have whatever we're talking about in common because I am afraid that you'll just think that I am simply saying it to agree, or make conversation, or to fit in, or to make you like me more or whatever dumb reason there is out there. It's ridiculous. Why does it feel like you have such bad, cruel and harsh judgements of people anyway? Maybe it's because you do.
An image of what you are like as a person has started to build up based on the conversations we've had and I think that by now I've got a pretty clear picture, at least on certain subject matters. I doubt you even know I know this. Based on how things've been going, you probably think I'm absolutely clueless. *rolls eyes* Good Lord. Those times you've tried explaining your thought processes, you think I have no clue what you're talking about and that I don't understand. I can feel it. It could just be paranoia and I could be wrong, but, you know, I'm not. I know and understand about you more than you think I do.
I have no idea what I've done or said that gave such bad impressions but like I said, it always happens this way. Somehow, the impression I give is never right in situations like these. I seriously don't know what to do ady lah. It's like some cruel, sick joke.
Don't write me off just yet, although, look who's talking. I've already pretty much written you off.
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