Thoughts of Quiet Contemplation

It seems that I really am my own worst enemy. I was sitting on the bus today, a quiet peaceful journey through some beautiful english countryside. It was quite pleasant, very pleasant indeed actually. And while I sat on this journey my mind went on a journey of its own as it is wont to do in these later days. I thought back to a lot of things, a lot of things that left me feeling heavy and sad and lonely. It is not uncertainty now that whoever I fall in love with will only serve to bring me misery. There is no joy for me in these endeavours and I am inclined to give up; even if not now then very soon. What else is new. 

And in my intimations I felt a heavy pull on my heart. Like that of a weight, pulling me ever downward. I've never been loved. What that was, that was not love. And it resulted in a complete separation and thereafter complete indifference as if it was never there. It was never love. Maybe a close approximation of it but nothing more.

I've been incredibly fortunate in my life and for that I am extremely grateful. I have not had to bear the brunt of some of the storms that can weather a person but for reasons not known, I am perpetually denied that which I belief will give life much meaning. I am an empty husk of a person. Having never felt appreciation from someone for who I am, it seems that now I am incapable of love as well. I doubt myself when I wonder if what I call love is really love. I am incapable of love but yet I am very prone to hurt. So someone who is incapable of giving love and yet wants unconditional love beyond anything else. How does that make sense? 

I don't know when my obsession with obtaining love began. It crept up on me one day and before I knew it, it seems I can't live without it. Every day is an endless wait in which I berate myself for being such a fool as to hope. For my heart is torn, as torn as it can be without further physical damage. I don't know when this burning need took over everything that is good in my life and proceeded to create ruin to everything that I am. 

I don't understand how I can go on this way. Surely I cannot.