It's occurred to me to wonder on occasion where we are and how we got here. I've never looked at myself from the outside before like I'm surveying a project and now that I do, I'm made to wonder. I am the product of my experiences, some good and some bad. I am who I've been conditioned to be in my years of growing up and now that I take a step back and try to look at the product as if I weren't living it, the results are startling.
I don't know how I got this way. It's a surreal feeling, taking a look at yourself like you're looking at a project. I don't know what I've become and why. I've always been the combination of my experiences and for a long time, it's always been. But now I take a step back and I realise. I am selfish. And I am weak, and vulnerable, and afraid of that vulnerability. I've always been without really knowing why. Just forever in fear that care would hurt me and somehow unable to step back from it and not let it affect me. I've been denying myself who I really am all these years and the product of that is someone who is weak and vulnerable but is unable to show it freely and own it. But I am unable to disown it either and so I am an alcoholic on a binge. When it gets too much inside I go crazy a little bit and just break down. The feelings come pouring without stop and I harass the people I trust and care about and expect them to somehow fix this problem I have inside of me. And I place this burden on them and this expectation and even though I know it's wrong and I shouldn't be doing it but in the mad haze, I've never been able to stop.
I marvel at how I got this way. I am a fascinating creature, a product of both denial and fear bourne from no valid source whatsoever. It's like I've bred insecurity and groomed myself all these years into becoming this neurotic personality always hiding and trying to conceal but never really succeeding completely. It is a feeling both indescribable and strange, looking at you from a different perspective and then coming to wonder at how things got this way.
I can't say that I am pleased at what I see in myself. The levels of insecurity and fragility, bourne out of heartbreak and distrust. I was never a solid structure, I was always a house of cards. And I have learned over the years that I cannot judge because every time I did, I learned that I too am vulnerable to all those vices that come to you at your weakest.
I've made decisions I never thought I ever would. I've condemned things with words only to swallow those words back up because I find myself doing the exact same thing. Maybe my approach was never right all along and this is learning journey to discover just what is.
I don't know if I have the answers of the solutions but I need to try what I think is best right now. I need to shed those insecurities somehow and part of that process is maybe being comfortable enough to be who I am. But where do I start and HOW do I start? I don't know how to start acting different. How to just be vulnerable and show it and not to be so ashamed of it. I don't know how to just change like that and start being a completely different person. How do you just click your fingers just like that and turn everything around?
I've learned that caring is a perilous journey and it will not always end to your benefit. There is no honour in caring but neither is there honour in not. There is no victory nor loss in this journey it just is. A perilous, rocky road filled with twists and turns and drops and rises that we must all take in our humanity. It just is what it is and the journey is what we make it out to be. Some scale the rises and take the drops as we go along, always accepting that it is part of being human and never second guessing it. Some sit back and ponder it long and hard and I guess I am the second part of this story. I think about it and I dissect it and I analyse it and try to find a way to come out of it victorious. But there is no victory and there is no loss. It is just a journey that we all take.
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