You know I care

Why do you keep on insisting that I feel for you? Whatever for? I will never admit it, knowing how well you feel about it and how things stand. So why do you keep asking? Knowing clearly well that you don't want that to happen and if it did you would be dismayed by the inconvenience. And why do you keep implying while asking that you're deathly afraid of that happening. What purpose does it serve??? You're insulting me with every single time you do it and you're either really stupid or nursing some sadistic fantasy in doing so. You've already hurt me and insulted me enough. Falling for my friend when I was looking on was enough of a blow. And your behaviour that night, everything; the entire fiasco has reduced me to tears time and time again. Someone like you, you'd never know or understand what that pain feels like. You could never comprehend the depths to which that has hurt me and affected me and plunged me into an endless dilemma to which I see no end to. And yet I still hold on to you. You've wrecked me without even trying and you dare to call yourself a good person when everything you've done was to hurt me time and time again. Your play of innocence has worn off its charm and you know as well as I do that your every move seeks to hurt me and to undermine me and while you try to be nice and make amends or whatever, you're never actually doing it right. Are you really that stupid??? Or are you in denial. I hate people in denial. It's just a cowardly way to escape the truth for a little while and pretend you're innocent while you hurt the people around you. Yes I was a fool and I am a fool for falling for you. I've known that and I have accepted that long time ago. It was my own doing and it feels like I did not have a choice. You're here to teach me a lesson. But what lesson I've yet to figure out. You're here to teach me so far how much it can hurt, how low I can get, and to what depths my self esteem and self respect can sink to; beyond what I've ever imagined. I am both ashamed and chagrined at the fact that I feel so strangely for you. You cause me hurt. You've caused me so much hurt. And you continue to keep causing me hurt. While you entertain your fantasies of being a pure soul and innocent of any wrongdoing, your hands clean of any blood, at my expense. I want to be free. I want to shrug off the chains you've set around me and I want to be free of both myself and these cumbersome shackles of self doubt and inadequacy that I have around me. I want to stop feeling like I'm not good enough and yet still wanting desperately to get a hold of that... That dream. That dream that I can someday have the thing which I yearn for and not have it spurn me time and time again. To for once just not get slapped in the face every time for daring to try and to hope. You've shackled me to you and maybe this has to happen. Why??? To teach me hurt? To teach me how much a heart can bleed and every day when you love someone who doesn't love you back?? To then watch you willy nilly gander off to do whatever you so please while I sit there and hold my heart in my hands? And then to sit there and continue to laugh and smile and lie!!! And pretend that nothing is happening and nothing is wrong when you insult me, fall for my friend and announce to the world just how little you care for and think of me??? Why am I so stupid??? 

You know how much problems I am having with my self esteem. I would just really appreciate it if you didn't make it seem like that would be the worst thing in the world if I were to like you. Don't worry I know what you think of me and I understand your position on this very clearly.