The Point of No Return.

Past the point of no return. I know not now what has been and what will be. I know not even what is. All I know is I know not, and for now that is all I need to know. 

Looking back I find myself forgetting. Many things that used to make sense, that I used to do. I forget what used to be the very reason that drove my actions. They feel like a lifetime ago now. Coming here has changed me much. Perhaps too much. I am not who I used to be. My wells of compassion have dried up and I find myself believing less and less in human nature. In the value of sincerity and kinship. Perhaps I was too naive. No, I was too naive. I know that now. 

The days before me pass like a confusing blur. A scramble from one desperate point to another, all in the quest of maintaining my thin veneer of sanity and composure. For should I let myself it would sure break and fall in shattering pieces all around me. The scramble is my routine now, it has solidified into a steady rhythm, one desperate dash after another, one at a time. Distractions that would serve to help me keep my being from descending into a pit of gloom. But it is all a facade and I know it must end some day. For keeping up a steady march like this is tiring and I shall falter soon. I cannot keep this up. 

I can barely remember what views I held dear anymore. They seem so foreign to me now, that is how much I have left them behind. I never knew I was capable of this, but I doubt now. I doubt everything and everyone. And more importantly I doubt how long good things will last. How long will those smiles last before they too turn into sneers of contempt and ridicule for my person. I have given up I think, on the values of humanity required to believe in others and taking a chance in them. It is too despairing, to risk something and be disappointed time and again. I can risk no more. 

I'm past the point of no return now. There is no going back to the way I used to be, to the position I used to hold no matter how much better it may have been. That is simply not possible anymore. I am different now and though I may not know different how and in what exact way, safe to say I am different now and different enough that that person I used to know no longer holds true. No longer exists. I hate everything now, I hold no hope any longer. I just run. Day in and day out I just run and hope that my feelings never will catch up to me.