Making Choices.

What was it this time? I wondered as I sat in conference with my two friends, Missy and Mademoiselle. I had always prided myself as being the most stable, the most reasonable among the three of us and with good reason. Not a bristling wall of ice like Mademoiselle, nor a mushy pile of slush like Missy.

The last year had been hard and no doubt, the both of them would have a lot to say. Mademoiselle of course, arrogant as ever, would come up with some naturally blunt but sometimes enlightening insights, and Missy would never fail to remind us that we are human. In fact, it seems all she is good for really, which was what Mademoiselle used to say. An important skill, one I do not wish to undermine.

Today Missy was clearly burdened by something. Her eyes were sad, her shoulders slumped. The cheer of the sunlit room did nothing to lift her moods which were grey like thunderclouds. I understood of course, it had been a hard year for her. Hard times all around for such a fragile heart.

Mademoiselle raised an eyebrow and smirked, drawing casually and exhaling leisurely. She never did have much sympathy.

"I don't know what to do..." Missy trailed off tiredly.

"Nothing. It was never worth your time. I was right all along,"

She was perhaps right.

"Maddy, you know I can't do that. I could never have taken your advice and been what you said I should be."

"Which sucks for you. You never should've bothered. They never were worth it. No one is really."

Ok... I wouldn't go that far...

"You don't mean that," Missy gasped. "Surely someone is."

"Bring me the one who is. I don't think you've met even one have you?" Mademoiselle challenged.

"Well, maybe I've made some stupid mistakes on the way..." Missy conceded slowly.

"Some??" Mademoiselle snorted. "They were all stupid. It was like watching you chase around a chicken. That you never caught. Otherwise we'd all be having chicken right now instead of sitting here and having this conversation."

Fair point.

But the fact of the matter was, none of this was solving her problem. Missy couldn't stop caring, that's just who she is. Mademoiselle on the other hand could probably do with some caring but that is a matter for another day. It's too early in the day for this shit.

Missy just turned away as Mademoiselle's words hung in the air like the remnants of white smoke; lightly, almost gracefully. She was right of course. Missy had been on a quest, not necessarily one without merit, and she had searched and searched. But she had found nothing. And she knew that.

Suddenly her eyes brimmed over with tears and they spilled over her cheeks lightly, streaming down fluidly the way only the tears of someone with a broken heart can. She knew not how to express in words what she was feeling and some things needed no words. I understood. There was nothing to be done. Even I knew not what to do. What use is control, when one knows not what to do with it?

There were no more words anymore.

"Oh come on Missy, you're pathetic. Pull yourself together, all this is no use," Mademoiselle reproached impatiently. "Why do you do this to yourself? I know you're going to say that you don't have a choice but that's not true. We all have a choice. I chose." Mademoiselle sat up aggressively in her chair, all sharp angles like cut glass.

"No, no no no no. Fuck you man I am sick of this!" Missy suddenly expostulated.

Ok... I sat back in my chair, feeling the firm cushion behind the fabric press against my back.

"I am really sick of you telling me that the way I am is wrong and that there's something so significantly and inherently wrong in it as to imply that maybe it deserves punishment!" Missy cried. "Are you saying my sorrows are the punishment then? That's not fair Maddy!" The tears slid fresh and anew down Missy's cheeks.

"Maybe I can choose! But that doesn't mean I'm going to choose to be like you! Just like you did, maybe this means I've chosen too! And maybe my choice has brought pretty shitty results but it's the only choice I can make. It's the only choice I can allow myself to make! You cannot just sit there and tell me that your choice is very much better than mine! You're damaged and problematic in so many ways you won't even try to fix it!" Missy shouted, clearly incensed before sinking back in her armchair in a huff.

Ok... I've never seen her that pissed before. She must be REALLY stressed.

But Mademoiselle just shrugged and turned away. She was not an idiot. She knew Missy was right in some ways. But she chose her path a long time ago and it has served her well to a certain extent; better even than the path Missy had chose. She knew what she was potentially giving up, but she knew the risks of not doing so also and she was not prepared to face them. So she made her choice.