Hurt.

I don't know where I am in this limbo now. But I can't exist like this forever. I have not decided what to do. Whether to tell him or to not; whether to leave or stay. It's true my heart aches at the very thought of leaving him. But it aches even more when he turns on me and throws all these hurtful words at me. When he ignores me and makes it obvious I don't matter to him. When I know he's talking to another girl, that I've been replaced in his affections, if there were any affections to begin with. I'm tired of fighting for my man's attention like a group of concubines. Always trying to figure out what to do to please him so I can win his favour. It's disgusting and I don't want to do that but somehow, I have inadvertently subjected myself to that. I'm afraid of his texts. Because I'm afraid of what he'll reply and what he'll say. I'm afraid that the next thing he says will score another deep rend in my already broken heart. How much more beating can my heart be expected to take? I think about all my experiences with love and I realise that this world is far more complicated than I expected. Or perhaps it is I who make it complicated? 

It's like I'm an addict. But instead of drugs or alcohol, my addiction is to misery and pain. I feel a sort of rush every time a small amount of pain or sadness pangs in my heart. But too much and I feel sick, and heavy and laden and overwhelmed. And yet somehow once you've had that initial pang, you can't seem to stop going for more and more. Just like a teenager on a night out binge drink. And then I overdose and I feel like I'm a worthless failure and all the despair and misery I've indulged in destroys me bit by bit on the inside. I feel like I'm trying to come up from under an addiction these days. With the positiveness I'm trying to enforce in my life and making sure I don't wallow anymore. It's like trying to break free from an addiction. It's a constant effort to keep reminding yourself. It's constant willpower trying to drag yourself up from under whatever rut your habits have allowed you to instinctively fall into or preventing yourself from falling into one. Part of me feels like letting go and letting the abyss swallow me whole but I know that if I were to do that it would be to my own demise and I would spend more time running around in endless circles feeling sorry for myself and going nowhere.  

I love him but I don't know what to do anymore. He hurts me more than I expected he could. Sometimes I think of all the sweet things he used to do, the very things that made me fall deeper and deeper in love with him, and I feel the pang. And I have to remind myself that he didn't do those things because he ever cared for me. It was just an illusion I wanted to believe. None of it meant a single thing neither should they have ever meant a single thing to me. I want to fall into his arms in sweet blissful surrender. I want to breathe in the scent of his neck and feel his warmth, his body wrapped around mine and just lie there in such bliss feeling like the luckiest girl in the world that the man I love, he loves me. But it is not to be. I want to be able to confide in him and have him give me comfort for he is the only one who can. Who can make things right for me and make me feel like everything is going to turn out right because I have his love and I am truly fulfilled. But he doesn't want to hear a single word I say. He doesn't even want to talk to me anymore. And if it weren't for the fact that I am a particularly versatile toy for him, he would want to have nothing to do with me. And one day when he finds another versatile toy, I will be replaced and redundant for good for I have no value to him. Worse, if he finds love in someone else... I will just fade away into oblivion as another one of his numerous indiscretions enacted in the throes of his confusion and his search and escapism. I would become just another bottle of beer in an alcoholic's long trip of alcoholism. One of many items of poison he chose to indulge in and then forgotten. The thought of it hurts my heart like no other. But... What can I do? 

They say that the heart must accept what the mind already knows but how can I? I'm trying my very best but my mind is as convoluted as my heart has successfully poisoned it to its seductions. I am confused and overwhelmed and I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. Am I doing the right thing in denying my pain to be felt? Is it healthy considering that my pain is a chronic unhealthy habit, and addiction or am I just suppressing it instead of curing it? I wanted to talk to him, to ask him for advice, but a part of me stops myself from doing it because life was better when I felt that I'd given up on him somewhat. Not texting him, not replying to his texts, not wishing to contact him. For a little while maybe not needing his presence in my life if only because my heart feels so hurt that it can't bear more hurt. And any interaction with him especially positive interaction with him breaks the spells and flings me back into the throes of my hopeless adoration of him. And so I am conflicted. What do I do? On the one hand confide in him and risk the ever hurtful remarks and replies. On the other hand, keep it to myself and keep thinking about it all day every day wondering if maybe perhaps I should do it, or not. 

A large part of me is angry and have been angry for some time now. Is loving him a sin? Why am I punished so for loving him and heaving under a mound of shame and guilt for my feelings for him? Why is it so wrong? Is it so wrong?? And I had i nervous breakdown. Because of my love for him, because of the hormones maybe, I had a nervous breakdown. And no one has suffered more for it than me. So what gives him the right to even FEEL like he has the right to punish me for, what wrong? No wrong that I did! I didn't hurt him he was virtually unaffected. Is he mad that I ruined his favourite toy by besmirching her image and showing to him that I am human with very real feelings after all? But that's not reasonable. And that's not a reasonable thing to blame me for. And yet I am being punished. For daring to indulge in my feelings, for being down, for not being able to control my expressions of emotions around him for a short while. For my small short failure, everything I held dear about our relationship is gone for good. It doesn't seem fair. It isn't fair. Whatever his reasons are, I am being punished because now he can no longer see me the same way and have the same affections for me. Why? Because I dared to be human and I dared to be weak. Or he's angry at me. Why? Because I dared to be human and I dared to be weak and I dared to inconvenience him with it. If he only knew how much hurt I've suffered just for him, by him and because of him alone. If he knew how much he's hurt me.