Growing Up.

I can't believe I'm 25 now. Where did all the years go? It all seemed like yesterday when I was just an early teen. A child. And yet, it also seemed like forever since then. You never realise it. It just creeps up on you, growing up. You just go day by day and then year by year. Through high school then college then university and suddenly when you blink and wake up, you realise it's been 7 years and you're an adult now. You're not approaching adulthood, or entering it or on the brink of it. You're there. And sometimes it still never really feels like you're there. You'd think it was a very different place. Where you'd feel different and be different. Almost like a different person. So how can you be an adult? When you still feel like... You? But I guess that's what childhood does to the image of adulthood. It's seen through un-understanding eyes and because of the vast difference that you see between their world and yours, you never really see that it's always gonna be you; going through the different stages in life. 

I can't believe I'm 25. I'm an adult now. I'm there. And it doesn't feel like it, and maybe it never will. But I'm there. And I can't believe it. I've spent the last few years of my life getting my heart broken and getting sad and upset and depressed and devastated and focusing on my misery and heartbreak every single day. I never noticed the days creeping by but now I do notice, I've spent the days of the last few years of my life getting my heart broken and licking my wounds and trying to get back up and then getting it broken again and then back to feeling sorry for myself and nursing my broken heart. I don't know why this has been so colourful. I still don't know why. But the last few years have been a steep, steep learning curve for me. I've learned from one experience after another, and getting hurt again and again, in different ways and it's changed the way I see the world and people almost completely. And maybe that means it's changed me as well. I don't know why I had to spend the last few years learning and getting my heart broken, and I wonder sometimes. Is there a larger purpose to it all. But I don't know. All I know is that love has brought me and put me in places that I never thought I was capable of going. Doing things I never thought I'd do for another person. Even at the expense of my own sanity. And I don't know why love has had to be so cruel to me, breaking my heart again and again so many times. Or maybe it hasn't been that many times. It's just that this time hurts so much that it feels like a thousand different heartbreaks. I don't know what changed. Is it me? Is it circumstance? But for some reason I'm unable to let go of this one the way I could let go of all the others before me. I keep on getting this irrational feeling that this is the one. It's irrational and it's persistent and quite frankly, fucking baffling. It doesn't make sense. Either it's a sign or it's the delusions of an obsessed mind but I'm certainly afraid as hell that it's the latter. Like I need any help making things worse for myself. I need to just stop kidding myself. 

I told a friend today. And it was such a relief. It felt so good to just let it out. Now next step is to tell him. And I'm so afraid... I'm so afraid that telling him means I am ending everything. And that he will walk away from me and never look back. Things are already bad enough now between us and it's probably not fixable no matter how much I wish I could turn back time and undo it. And I'm afraid that I'm gonna lose him for good if and when I tell him. I know I must tell him. Something inside me compels me to do it. It feels like the right thing to do regardless of what my reasons are; divine intervention or obsession leading to self persuasion. But I am so afraid that that means I will lose him for good. That he will turn around, walk away and never look back. And I'm dreading it. I feel like chickening out from the decision every time. I don't want to lose him. I love him so much. And every single optimistic solution or way forward that I figure out for myself gets lost by the wayside after a day or two because I'm too weak and too scared to hold on to them with enough belief and conviction to make them continue. I'm too scared of being wrong and then having my hopes dashed again. I don't know what to do. I'm a mess. I'm such a confused mess right now. But I know one thing. I have to do it. It's time. It doesn't matter how much I'm scared of doing it and the results that it can entail; I have to do it.