Healing

I came here a year and a half ago. They journey, it made no difference to me. I had little interest and there was no excitement. To me it was just a step that I needed to make on a path that was already set. I was heartbroken. Resigned. Thinking back, I forgot what I was feeling then; probably a good thing. But I suspect I was feeling rather dead inside. And that why I didn't care either way. I'd lost all hope and all life in me. Then I came here and things started changing. And with it I would assume maybe I did too. Life started here and before long I was on another path, feeling other things I never expected to when I started out on that journey. And now things have come full circle. There was a lot of crap in my experience here. A lot of sadness and heartbreak and disappointment. And those feelings were so bright and they basically burned away all the feelings of the past. The resignation, the deadness, the lack of life. Because now though it is incredibly painful, I gotta say, there is definitely not a lack of life and passion now. The pain burns bright and vivid and it's life where previously it felt more like death. And I suppose I need to be thankful for that. At the very least it breathed life in me and there is now life in me. But there were also issues not addressed that day. I know I got over him. And I healed. But that was just a cover. Now things have come to a head and I believe that maybe it's because back then I may have healed, but I may not have done it correctly. I was in shambles and it got better but I didn't get out of it in one piece. Maybe that's why I'm here now. To set right old wrongs. To reset whatever went wrong the first time round. Not so easy considering those mistakes have had time to set. And obviously breaking an old injury to reset it so it would heal right would hurt very God damned much. I don't know what to do. How to reset those old wounds and heal right this time. I don't know how to go about it and most days I feel like I'm surrounded by confusion and I don't know what I'm doing if I'm doing anything at all. But maybe that's why this is happening. My heart needs to set right. It can't keep going, collecting more and more improperly set injuries as it goes along. That gig would be up pretty quick. I'm hoping that this is the bigger purpose; or that there is a bigger purpose. That there is a greater good and a greater happiness and I am heading towards it. I need my faith to get through this. Right now it is literally the only thing holding me together. And my belief is the only thing keeping me up and still going. I need to believe that there is a purpose and that guidance is always with me.