I got the second chance i so sorely wanted. I prayed for it and I got it. And a part of me wonders now if I have truly gotten it. On the one hand, of course I did. I thought he would never have wanted to talk to me ever again. On the other hand a part of me wonders if it is just s superficial chance. That he is speaking to me now but he's not engaged anymore. That he's written me off and it's over. My chances are over.
But I cannot think like that. I got my second chance but no one ever said that it would be easy. No one ever said that it also included the complete obliteration of whatever mess I created and a clean start from a fresh slate. Nobody said that. I have a chance now, and that is a chance to fix my mistakes. A chance to make amends for all the shit that I've done and all the bullshit that I may have put someone through. Now I can't be spoilt brat and demand that everything be given to me on a silver platter. It is my mess and I'm going to have to work hard to fix. Just that, a part of me really worries that there's nothing I can do to fix it. What if all my efforts aren't good enough?
But I can't think like that either. I don't know for sure that that is the case. And I am the kind that tries no matter what till the very bitter end right? So you know you're gonna try either way because you always have hope and you can't know it's over until it's over. So you might as well keep trying without the negative mindset.
I learned so many things from that event. So many, many hurtful things. He said so many hurtful things that make me feel like curling up into a corner and die. He took a knife to my heart and just kept stabbing and twisting the knife. He said those words with malice and anger. He intended to make me hurt. And to serve his own issues as well. I guess a part of me is indignant and feels that it is so sorely unfair. That I can accept his issues and still love him for it and yet he can't. All he liked about me was superficial all along. And when the deeper side, and the darker side set in he couldn't see me in the same light anymore. I was no longer good. I was no longer shiny and brand new and good. Just because I committed the sin of being myself and being honest. He said he wanted the truth; all of it. The good, the bad and the ugly. But I guess he never said that if he got them that he could be able to accept them. So does it feel unfair? Yes it does. Of course it does. Does it hurt? Of course it does. But that is of no consequence. It's just the way it is. And there's no point going on about whether it's fair or not. It's just it.
I told him that I fell for him. And now I feel a right fool. I told someone something so personal. It made me so vulnerable and it's just embarrassing. And now he knows, and he doesn't feel the same. And he must feel like I am so pathetic. A sad, pathetic little naive, silly child. He might even feel awkward around me now.
But I can't think like that because once again I am giving in to those negative impulses that have ruled me all along. Sure, that is a possibility. But perhaps it's not. Perhaps it doesn't even matter to him at all and that while not good is endlessly better than what was suggested above. Just don't think about it. It is pointless and senseless and the same kind of madness that drove you over the edge so many times before. How many times can you make the same mistake before learning? Please learn.
He said such hurtful things but those things aside. I learned a lot.
I learned that projection is wrong. It doesn't matter what the previous guy did to me, how badly he treated and how much like trash he made me feel. It is not fair to assume he would do the same to me and then treat him like he's already committed the crime. He may yet do it but until he does it cannot be right for me to assume that he definitely do. Innocent until proven guilty. And if I don't give people chances then I am in effect, sealing my fate that I will never find someone I trust and love by creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I learned that I've tried to micromanage everything in my life but some things cannot be controlled like that. My need to control everything stems out of fear but I need to learn that no matter how hard I try, I cannot control certain things and they will hurt me anyway. And most times micromanaging, especially other people, causes more harm than good.
I learned that it doesn't matter what he says or thinks. It is what it is and worrying about it is not gonna make him change his mind. In fact worrying about it can affect your behaviour which chances are will make things worse.
I learned that his issues are nothing to do with me. Just because he projects and he assumes the worst about me and he's wounded does not mean that I have a free pass to be the same. And if he insists on being that way despite my attempts to dissuade him then there's nothing that I can do.
I learned that I cannot live in fear of the past happening again. It will happen if it's going to happen. And if he doesn't love me back then there's nothing I can do about it. If he's gonna fall for a friend of mine, or someone else of whatever, there's nothing I can do about it. Dreading it doesn't make it stop. It's gonna hurt of course, but there's nothing I can do about it and there's no point in living in fear and creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I learned that having a hand in destroying what you love can be worse than playing the victim. I've always been the one who got hurt. And I was never the bad guy. But it's one thing to feel like you've been wronged and another to know that you had every chance to do it right and stop it but you chose not to instead.
I learned that I cannot let my fears get the better of me. I cannot live controlled by them and if I do I will find nothing along my path but misery and sadness. It is not a way to live and to love.
I learned to be grateful for the chances I get. I cannot expect the second chance to come with a reset button when I went a blew a crater in the whole thing. It is my mess and now I have to fix it. The fact that I even got a second chance to fix it is a miracle in itself and my gratitude goes to it.
I'm afraid that he will never see me the same again. That my image has been tarnished irrevocably in his eyes. That would be very unfortunate and I had no idea I cared about him that much until this happened.
He was right, he has been good to me. He has been patient and he has been kind. He has been tender and nice and accommodating. He isn't perfect and completely blameless but I have given him a lot of shit and he has taken it all and still tried to reassure me and comfort me. And I have somehow in my paranoia and insecurity been able to miss all that.
He said that I don't know the meaning of love. And he said it with disgust and contempt in his voice. So may I don't know the meaning of love. Maybe he doesn't either. But so what if I don't know the meaning of love. It doesn't matter. It's all a circular argument and means nothing and leads nowhere.
...
I miss him. And I miss the days when he couldn't get enough of me and always wanted to spend time with me and talk to me. I miss that look in his eyes when he used to look at me. That look of adoration. Those good morning texts. And now that it's gone I feel the emptiness that comes in its place. I miss the time when he used to like me, even if it was because of superficial reasons. The dream and the delusion cannot always be real but it is always quite beautiful. And it hurts now every time I am the one who texts him first and who feels like an unwanted pest when he responds like he has to instead of with the same enthusiasm he used to. It's hard keeping it together when you feel like you're hapless and have no idea what to do, which in this situation I am. I don't know how to fix this. How to get his adoring look again and I don't know if I even can. If it hasn't been written out of the books yet. I don't know what to do and I feel clueless and hurt and helpless and confused and scared and worried most of the time. It hurts when I feel like he doesn't want to meet me anymore. Doesn't want to spend time with me anymore. It feels sad and pathetic and it really hurts.
But I've got to focus on the fact that this is my mess. I screwed up so what did I expect? For this to be easy? No. And I gotta focus on the good things. The helpful, the encouraging things.
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