Finally!

Well, I am finally over him. He who held the shackles to my emotional freedom for so long. For what felt like forever. And I suppose in that stage of my journey so far, it almost was forever. I almost cannot believe it. To think of someone I used to love so much and who caused me so much pain and endless nights of tears, and not feel a damn thing except sadness at how the whole thing turned out. He did treat me so fucking badly. I was just a thing to him when I loved him so dearly. And I cannot believe now just how badly I allowed him to treat me. 

I lost sight of who I am. And I have not found that yet. Or maybe I didn't just lose sight of it. I changed. And I don't know what I'm supposed to be now yet. Along the way I got so used to the idea that I could not find love maybe that I somehow accepted that that was the best that I could get even though I was nothing to him. I'm not past that yet. I do not suddenly miraculously believe that anything better is in store for me, that the love I feel that I deserve is there for me for the taking. And maybe that was one of the few things that I can get. But nevertheless, now I just cannot believe I let him treat me so badly. 

I cannot help but feel that I cheated a bit. Because I met someone who made me get over him. Someone who treated me well and showed me that I could receive such tenderness from another even though it came with a shitload of qualifiers and exclusion clauses. Albeit that, I am incredibly grateful that I was given that. That I was given someone who helped me to get over him in so much less time than I otherwise would've needed. Even though now I'm probably going to have to get over this new guy, but I am at least grateful that I got over that guy. 

I don't know why love is so important to me. It is almost an obsession. The need to find that love and that companionship. That over the years it's almost evolved into a fairy tale that is unattainable but somehow some part of me still believes. It is ridiculous. But love is important to me. And now I have been so bruised by it that even though it holds such importance to me, a part of me finds it hard to believe that I can ever get it. And it regards every opportunity with such suspicion that I can very easily wreck anything that comes my way. Such is life. Maybe I am going to be the one standing in the way of my own happiness now but it was all borne out of the hurts of previous years. So what am I to do with that? 

No one is going to stick around long enough to show me that I am wrong. That I can and should believe in love again. And in myself again. Can I even? I don't want to wreck any chances that come my way. But how do I stop myself from doing that? They say it is possible to do it on your own but I cannot help but feel that I need guidance on that matter. I need a helping hand and who is going to be patient enough and care enough to stick around and help me through with that. But one thing is for sure. I am so glad I am over him. And that is something I can truly and sincerely thank God for. Thank you.