Once More for the Road.

You made such a big change in my life. It is impossible to even begin. I don't know why you had such an effect on me but you did and it scared me. It still scares me. I'm scared that I cannot get over you and I want you in my life, but you don't. And this has happened to me more times than I can care to imagine.

I know that the honeymoon period is a real thing. And that after a while, affection wanes. Passion wanes. But it isn't so for me. And I cannot understand how it can be so for you. How you can feel so strongly for me and then, nothing. It was beautiful when you cared. You were sweet, and attentive and you made me feel like I was safe, and cared for and not alone. It made me feel like I didn't need to fight the good fight alone anymore. And I wanted it to last. But you came into my life and it was beautiful, and then much to my chagrin, you learned more about me and you learned about who I am and that made you not love me anymore. You were disappointed in me. That I was not all that I promised. You learned about the darker things and you turned away and I couldn't stop you. I couldn't bring you back. Perhaps you had thought that I was perfect. And I was so disappointed that I couldn't be perfect for you. That I couldn't be all that you wanted me to be. And that made things worse. It seemed the more I tried to regain your affections, it just seemed to go more and more wrong. And you retreated further and further away from me. And I couldn't bring you back. I've always feared being a disappointment. That when people got to know who I am really am, I wouldn't shine as bright anymore. And then I'd be a disappointment.

I  miss the times when you used to look at me like I was wonderful. Like I was amazing and perfect and you wanted to spend so much time with me. I miss the times when you treated me like I was special to you. Like you were lucky to have met me. When you cared about me and did your best and was happy to see me. But then it all went away and I became like a burden to you. You didn't want to meet me and spend time with me anymore. Your words and looks became more and more judgemental suddenly, like I was this broken thing that should have but was not living up to expectations. And I know that maybe it was wrong to infer that you were glad to leave this place and to leave me behind. But I cannot help it. Part of the many flaws you perceived in me as a person and made me such a disappointment. I can't help but feel like you were glad to be rid of me. And you would not want me back in your life if you had the chance. I miss you. I miss you so much.

I miss the way you used to hold me and kiss me like I was amazing and perfect. I miss having you around and spending time with you. I miss having you in my life. And now even though I try to keep contact, it still hurts when you don't respond to me as enthusiastically as you did back then and I can't help but feel that it's not that you're so busy. It's that you're just not interested anymore.

I prayed to God to send me an angel. An angel who would hold me and tell me that everything would be alright. And then he sent me you and everything was wonderful. And you held me and made me feel safe and protected and not alone. But then almost as quickly, he took you away from me again and I felt so betrayed. How could my angel break my heart? He was supposed to save me. How could he leave me now, broken hearted and disappointed again. I had so wished that God had answered my prayers this time. That I was finally getting that angel that I want and needed. But was it? Because he's gone now and all that's left is this huge gaping hole that he left behind. I miss you Shawn. I miss you so much.

And now, I regret everything. I regret everything that I am and have become. I don't make sense to me anymore. All that's left of whatever that's good inside of me feels like a wreckage. I regret letting it all wreck me like that. I regret what I've let it turn me into, even though I don't know any other way. And I don't know how I could've stopped it but I regret it nonetheless. I don't feel like much of a whole soul anymore. I feel lost and confused and disassembled and I don't know who I am. I feel like I have no substance that makes my soul whole. I feel like a ghost.

False Alarm

I thought that perhaps for once, I finally found someone who really cared for me. Who felt for me like I felt for them. But no. Just as it was given, it was taken away in one fell swoop. I wish I never asked. I wish I didn't know now. Because I can never forget it now. It was a lie in the end. Perhaps a lie circumstance told me. But it was cruel. To give me something so beautiful and to just take it away just like that. I was living in a dream. But now it's over. To have made me believe that this time it was real and there was a future and there was love. And to let it all crash down around me. That's needlessly cruel it is. Sometimes you just wanna rip your own heart out and stuff it into a hole in the ground and set it on fire so you never have to deal with all this bullshit again. What good are feelings for anyway. They never did anyone any good. Now I'm just so disappointed. And I felt lied to, led on and betrayed. 

I Understand None of It

I got the second chance i so sorely wanted. I prayed for it and I got it. And a part of me wonders now if I have truly gotten it. On the one hand, of course I did. I thought he would never have wanted to talk to me ever again. On the other hand a part of me wonders if it is just s superficial chance. That he is speaking to me now but he's not engaged anymore. That he's written me off and it's over. My chances are over.

But I cannot think like that. I got my second chance but no one ever said that it would be easy. No one ever said that it also included the complete obliteration of whatever mess I created and a clean start from a fresh slate. Nobody said that. I have a chance now, and that is a chance to fix my mistakes. A chance to make amends for all the shit that I've done and all the bullshit that I may have put someone through. Now I can't be spoilt brat and demand that everything be given to me on a silver platter. It is my mess and I'm going to have to work hard to fix. Just that, a part of me really worries that there's nothing I can do to fix it. What if all my efforts aren't good enough?

But I can't think like that either. I don't know for sure that that is the case. And I am the kind that tries no matter what till the very bitter end right? So you know you're gonna try either way because you always have hope and you can't know it's over until it's over. So you might as well keep trying without the negative mindset.

I learned so many things from that event. So many, many hurtful things. He said so many hurtful things that make me feel like curling up into a corner and die. He took a knife to my heart and just kept stabbing and twisting the knife. He said those words with malice and anger. He intended to make me hurt. And to serve his own issues as well. I guess a part of me is indignant and feels that it is so sorely unfair. That I can accept his issues and still love him for it and yet he can't. All he liked about me was superficial all along. And when the deeper side, and the darker side set in he couldn't see me in the same light anymore. I was no longer good. I was no longer shiny and brand new and good. Just because I committed the sin of being myself and being honest. He said he wanted the truth; all of it. The good, the bad and the ugly. But I guess he never said that if he got them that he could be able to accept them. So does it feel unfair? Yes it does. Of course it does. Does it hurt? Of course it does. But that is of no consequence. It's just the way it is. And there's no point going on about whether it's fair or not. It's just it.

I told him that I fell for him. And now I feel a right fool. I told someone something so personal. It made me so vulnerable and it's just embarrassing. And now he knows, and he doesn't feel the same. And he must feel like I am so pathetic. A sad, pathetic little naive, silly child. He might even feel awkward around me now.

But I can't think like that because once again I am giving in to those negative impulses that have ruled me all along. Sure, that is a possibility. But perhaps it's not. Perhaps it doesn't even matter to him at all and that while not good is endlessly better than what was suggested above. Just don't think about it. It is pointless and senseless and the same kind of madness that drove you over the edge so many times before. How many times can you make the same mistake before learning? Please learn.

He said such hurtful things but those things aside. I learned a lot.

I learned that projection is wrong. It doesn't matter what the previous guy did to me, how badly he treated and how much like trash he made me feel. It is not fair to assume he would do the same to me and then treat him like he's already committed the crime. He may yet do it but until he does it cannot be right for me to assume that he definitely do. Innocent until proven guilty. And if I don't give people chances then I am in effect, sealing my fate that I will never find someone I trust and love by creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I learned that I've tried to micromanage everything in my life but some things cannot be controlled like that. My need to control everything stems out of fear but I need to learn that no matter how hard I try, I cannot control certain things and they will hurt me anyway. And most times micromanaging, especially other people, causes more harm than good.

 I learned that it doesn't matter what he says or thinks. It is what it is and worrying about it is not gonna make him change his mind. In fact worrying about it can affect your behaviour which chances are will make things worse.

I learned that his issues are nothing to do with me. Just because he projects and he assumes the worst about me and he's wounded does not mean that I have a free pass to be the same. And if he insists on being that way despite my attempts to dissuade him then there's nothing that I can do.

I learned that I cannot live in fear of the past happening again. It will happen if it's going to happen. And if he doesn't love me back then there's nothing I can do about it. If he's gonna fall for a friend of mine, or someone else of whatever, there's nothing I can do about it. Dreading it doesn't make it stop. It's gonna hurt of course, but there's nothing I can do about it and there's no point in living in fear and creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I learned that having a hand in destroying what you love can be worse than playing the victim. I've always been the one who got hurt. And I was never the bad guy. But it's one thing to feel like you've been wronged and another to know that you had every chance to do it right and stop it but you chose not to instead.

I learned that I cannot let my fears get the better of me. I cannot live controlled by them and if I do I will find nothing along my path but misery and sadness. It is not a way to live and to love.

I learned to be grateful for the chances I get. I cannot expect the second chance to come with a reset button when I went a blew a crater in the whole thing. It is my mess and now I have to fix it. The fact that I even got a second chance to fix it is a miracle in itself and my gratitude goes to it.

I'm afraid that he will never see me the same again. That my image has been tarnished irrevocably in his eyes. That would be very unfortunate and I had no idea I cared about him that much until this happened.

He was right, he has been good to me. He has been patient and he has been kind. He has been tender and nice and accommodating. He isn't perfect and completely blameless but I have given him a lot of shit and he has taken it all and still tried to reassure me and comfort me. And I have somehow in my paranoia and insecurity been able to miss all that.

He said that I don't know the meaning of love. And he said it with disgust and contempt in his voice. So may I don't know the meaning of love. Maybe he doesn't either. But so what if I don't know the meaning of love. It doesn't matter. It's all a circular argument and means nothing and leads nowhere.

...

I miss him. And I miss the days when he couldn't get enough of me and always wanted to spend time with me and talk to me. I miss that look in his eyes when he used to look at me. That look of adoration. Those good morning texts. And now that it's gone I feel the emptiness that comes in its place. I miss the time when he used to like me, even if it was because of superficial reasons. The dream and the delusion cannot always be real but it is always quite beautiful. And it hurts now every time I am the one who texts him first and who feels like an unwanted pest when he responds like he has to instead of with the same enthusiasm he used to. It's hard keeping it together when you feel like you're hapless and have no idea what to do, which in this situation I am. I don't know how to fix this. How to get his adoring look again and I don't know if I even can. If it hasn't been written out of the books yet. I don't know what to do and I feel clueless and hurt and helpless and confused and scared and worried most of the time. It hurts when I feel like he doesn't want to meet me anymore. Doesn't want to spend time with me anymore. It feels sad and pathetic and it really hurts.

But I've got to focus on the fact that this is my mess. I screwed up so what did I expect? For this to be easy? No. And I gotta focus on the good things. The helpful, the encouraging things.

Out of Sync.

I'm confused about my place in this world. I always seem so out of sync, so out of place in my world, or the world i'm supposed to belong in anyway. I've spent years ruminating on the fact that I didn't belong when maybe what I should've been doing was acting upon it. If you don't belong there, then move to a new world. Go. Get out of there and go somewhere where you feel you might not be so out of depth. There is no point observing just how much you don't belong instead of packing up and moving  on up to where you do feel like you belong. 

There's a Fine, Fine Line Between Love, and a Waste of Your Time

I  just found out today that he said to my friend, if ever he finds someone it will be someone like her. Who knows about the bad things in the world but chooses to ignore it.

When I found out about that, I felt like I had just been stabbed through the heart and I could feel it bleeding out, slowly at first but then gathering into a stream of red. And of course the numbing sensation when I had to smile and nod and pretend that it didn't affect me as much as it did.

He lied to me all this time. Or maybe he just lives in a different world in which the rules aren't the same. And I've just been the fool trying to play along to a game I didn't understand.

At this point, I am tempted to feel sorry for myself and curse the world at how unfair this is. And who knows, I might still do that. I know my heart is definitely still bleeding and I am roiling pit of seething anger and indignance and of course, sadness. This is highly reminiscent of what happened with the previous guy and my friend. And to have it happen AGAIN??? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???!!! That's just mean man. That can't be a coincidence. I mean, I wouldn't consider this to be such a common occurance that it justifies the coincidence of it happening twice in a row, or twice ever!!! So it's starting to look like a pattern or someone is just really having some fun stomping on my heart again and again.

I knew my worries were justified. To have someone call you insane and paranoid and then have the very thing you're worried about happen right in front of you. It reeks of unfairness and also a sense of "Ha! I told you so! Why are you victimising me?!" And it hurts.

If you knew I wasn't going to be it all along then why are you still spending your time with me and showering me with affection and making me believe that I could have a chance? Why are you stringing me along like this? Why did I even get with guys who clearly prefer my friends over me??? Why do guys prefer my friends over me??? What the fuck???

Angel of Music.

I met you when I never thought that I could feel for another man anymore; not in any way that I felt for him. And you helped me get over him. For that opportunity I will be eternally grateful. Both to you and to He who gave me you.

I prayed for an angel, to help me and to hold me and to show me the kindness and tenderness that my soul so greatly craved and needed. Who would help me through the mending of my heart and give me comfort. And maybe he sent me you. 

You certainly were an angel. You did all that and more. And my prayers felt like they were answered. You held me. And you gave me comfort. You helped me to get over him and all within three weeks of knowing you. And I thank God for sending me you. 

But why then did you have to be another broken heart waiting to happen? I accepted the fact that there was a possibility I would fall for someone else and that would help me get over him. And as long as I can get over him, if I got my heart broken again, maybe it would be a worth it price. I accepted that and I still hold onto that.

But why, why is it not possible to give me a balm that would not open new wounds? Do I need to bleed from somewhere new to close an old wound? Is that what it is going to be? Because I feel like I am falling for you and I am deathly afraid of that. I am afraid of getting hurt again, for fear that I will not recover again. For fear that you are really my last chance and with every heartbreak, my heart will grow more poisoned that it will no longer be able to accept love and happiness without destroying it all. 

I know you are wounded yourself. And you have your issues and your baggage. Your doubts and your acceptance that love will never happen for you. And I am afraid that that very acceptance is what has shut the door against me to enter. Because hopeless as it seems, to my chagrin I still believe and it frustrates me that you do not anymore. Perhaps you still do, some small but of you but I do not believe that I can be the one to revive that. I do not believe that I can be special enough and good enough to convince you to give me a try. 

And there are so many things I want to say to you but I hold myself back because I am afraid that they will fall on dead ears. Because I am afraid you won't care enough to know anyway like no one else has ever cared enough to know. 

All the compliments you've ever given me were about the physical aspects of our interaction. And you said a lot of bad things of my personality. It makes me fear that you will soon tire of me l, which now seems like such an inevitable eventuality as I cannot imagine what else I can give you when you seem to dissatisfied of my personality and so aware of all my character flaws. I will not be good enough to make you consider maybe taking a chance with me, and not moving to another part of the country. 

I know you've had your fair share of crazies in your life. But I cannot help but feel that all those crazies had their glamour, that special attraction about them that kept you with them; that kept you interested enough to stick around despite the drama and the hell that the relationship had descended into. And I don't have that. Why would you even consider me then? I'm a basket case myself. And not only that, I also lack the spark that they had. 

I don't believe that you will never find someone. What you lack is far less unattractive than what I lack. I believe you have met your match. Part of me is indignant. You should be fucking grateful that you actually met someone who actually believes what you tell me and yet is able to accept that and still like you and think of you fondly. But that doesn't make it so. 

Every time you mention my character flaws, it hurts me. It hurts me because I know they're true. And it hurts me because I wish I wasn't that way but I can't change. I don't know. It hurts me because it makes me feel like I'm not good enough for you and they just feel like confirmation that you will eventually tire of me and discard me like an old toy. I don't want to be a toy or a phase of your life. I want to mean something to someone. I want to be the one. 

You told my friend that you wish I was happy and cheerful like her. And that hurt me a lot. I am sorry that I am a cheerless, gloomy sap. That I can somehow suck all the energy out of the room with my insecurities and my fear. I am sorry that I seem to have lost my zest for life and all the things that made me interesting and unique. It reminds me that I used to have that; to have all that in spades. But I lost them all along the way. And I can't seem to get them back. And I am sorry that now I am a broken, empty shell of a person who is not good enough for you to consider more than just a phase in your temporary stint in England. 

You don't think I fit into your idea of what a wholesome human character should look like. With all the pieces complementing each other and making sense next to each other. Well I'm sorry I'm not like that and that I don't conform to your belief of what a person with a strong sense of identity is like. This is who I am; this is my identity. I am a mass of inconsistencies and I don't make sense a lot. I wish I could make you see that and believe it and not turn away from me. Not that you thinking I have no identity is a good thing either. 

I don't personalise my stuff? Well I do. It's just not in a way that anyone can see. And even if I did, perhaps no one would take one look and know it's me because maybe nobody knows me that well. 

I am insulted when you think my coloured hair does not fit my personality because you think I try so hard to blend in. I try to blend in in my interactions with people but that in no way reflects on my dressing. And I wish that you would accept that if I were to explain it to you. But no you won't. Because you think you know the world and people inside out. But maybe that's why I don't fit in with most people. I'm not like them perhaps. 

And if hurt me when I told you I missed you but you told me I shouldn't. I've spent so much of my life having my affections considered a burden. I'm sick of having people feeling inconvenienced instead of honoured that I am bestowing my affections upon them. You're afraid that I will become dependant on you. Why? Because you're planning to leave and break my heart? Because you know I'm just a phase in your life when you are so much more to me? A part of me feels that you should be fucking honoured that I am even giving you the time of day. But you're not. And you saying that awoke that fear in me that to you, my affections are also a burden. I suspect that they are. You don't want to be held back in your pursuit of excitement in life. And who am I to even make you want to slow down. I'm not special enough; especially not to you to make you feel that staying would be worth your while. In the end, no matter how much you deny it I am just a phase to you. And I don't mean enough to you. 

When you held me I felt safer and more loved than I've ever felt for most of my life. I've never been hugged like that before and it felt so good. It felt so safe. And I wanted to melt into your arms and never come out of that warm feeling of being embraced with such sincerity. I wanted to stay there forever and keep feeling as loved and as safe as I did. You hold me like you really mean it and no one has ever done that before. 

But knowing how it is with me, you don't actually mean it. Not in the way that hugs like that are supposed to mean. I've never been able to understand how you can hold someone like that; someone you barely know and definitely don't care for enough beyond the satisfaction of current needs. How you can embrace someone with an embrace that says so many things but not actually be saying those things to begin with. Perhaps you are genuinely talented when it comes to hugs and you can hug anyone like that regardless of what they mean to you, even if nothing at all. And that would mean that it could be anyone but me in your arms and it wouldn't make any difference. And that makes your embrace a bit more cold to me. I understand compassion and empathy. But it makes me feel like I mean more to you than I really do. And I am tired of having to keep telling myself not to let myself fall because it's all a sham. I wish for once, I was genuinely as loved. 

You looked at me with such adoration it made my heart melt into a puddle of goo at my feet. But how can you look at me like that when I mean nothing to you? When you don't care enough to take a chance on me. I am tired of being lied to. By my head, by my heart, by everything around me. By my unsatisfied potential. By myself. Why do you keep lying to me? All of you. Why do you keep lying to me and taunting me and teasing me into hoping before letting me crash like a pile of bricks onto the ground. 

It's not that I don't love myself. I do love myself. But I acknowledge that perhaps the world does not see the same value in me that I see in myself. It's not the same thing. 

I could very well fall for you and let my heart be crushed again. That seems to be all it's good for really. I can imagine spending my life with you and being happy. I can imagine a lot of things about me being happy with you but you know, I need to stop lying to myself. I need to stop telling myself fairy tales because at the end of the day, I'm not that special one that you can feel like you want to keep and adore for the rest of your life. How can I be? When all evidence seem to point to the contrary. 

Finally!

Well, I am finally over him. He who held the shackles to my emotional freedom for so long. For what felt like forever. And I suppose in that stage of my journey so far, it almost was forever. I almost cannot believe it. To think of someone I used to love so much and who caused me so much pain and endless nights of tears, and not feel a damn thing except sadness at how the whole thing turned out. He did treat me so fucking badly. I was just a thing to him when I loved him so dearly. And I cannot believe now just how badly I allowed him to treat me. 

I lost sight of who I am. And I have not found that yet. Or maybe I didn't just lose sight of it. I changed. And I don't know what I'm supposed to be now yet. Along the way I got so used to the idea that I could not find love maybe that I somehow accepted that that was the best that I could get even though I was nothing to him. I'm not past that yet. I do not suddenly miraculously believe that anything better is in store for me, that the love I feel that I deserve is there for me for the taking. And maybe that was one of the few things that I can get. But nevertheless, now I just cannot believe I let him treat me so badly. 

I cannot help but feel that I cheated a bit. Because I met someone who made me get over him. Someone who treated me well and showed me that I could receive such tenderness from another even though it came with a shitload of qualifiers and exclusion clauses. Albeit that, I am incredibly grateful that I was given that. That I was given someone who helped me to get over him in so much less time than I otherwise would've needed. Even though now I'm probably going to have to get over this new guy, but I am at least grateful that I got over that guy. 

I don't know why love is so important to me. It is almost an obsession. The need to find that love and that companionship. That over the years it's almost evolved into a fairy tale that is unattainable but somehow some part of me still believes. It is ridiculous. But love is important to me. And now I have been so bruised by it that even though it holds such importance to me, a part of me finds it hard to believe that I can ever get it. And it regards every opportunity with such suspicion that I can very easily wreck anything that comes my way. Such is life. Maybe I am going to be the one standing in the way of my own happiness now but it was all borne out of the hurts of previous years. So what am I to do with that? 

No one is going to stick around long enough to show me that I am wrong. That I can and should believe in love again. And in myself again. Can I even? I don't want to wreck any chances that come my way. But how do I stop myself from doing that? They say it is possible to do it on your own but I cannot help but feel that I need guidance on that matter. I need a helping hand and who is going to be patient enough and care enough to stick around and help me through with that. But one thing is for sure. I am so glad I am over him. And that is something I can truly and sincerely thank God for. Thank you.