I don't remember now what made me love him. What made me fall so helplessly in love with him. What made me stay in love. What meant so much to me at the time. Maybe I do know what it was per se, but only as a fact in my mind. My heart is empty of it now. Devoid of all that used to fill it. Riddled full of holes. Sometimes thinking about it, I don't even understand why I felt so in love with him. But then that is just evidence that goes to show how much I have changed. That old me is no more. And with it all remnants of the girl who could have fallen in love with him. The girl who did.
A heart cannot be filled so full till brimming and then just emptied in one fell swoop. It will deflate. It will collapse in on itself. It will become an empty husk, like the landscape scrubbed clean by harsh winds. When you ask me, do I regret what I did back then? Yes, I regret getting myself into that relationship. I regret doing it, I regret becoming that person that relationship made me become. Because without all of that, maybe I would be a different person. Maybe a happier person, some part of me hopes.
But whatever happened must have happened for a reason. I must admit that without it, many of the choices I have made would not have been made. He made it happen by being a factor in my life for events to play themselves around. I wouldn't have been this, my bitterness would not have steered me the way it has. Perhaps I would still be so much more naive. Perhaps my heart would have broken anyway. If not there then maybe here possibly due to the extreme naïveté I would have boasted without it.
Whatever happened perhaps happened for a reason. I am this now. I am who I am. And perhaps it's for the better. No matter how fucked up this person is.
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