A Selfish Kind of Love.

"Tell me. If he couldn't give you those benefits anymore one day, would you still want him?" 

"... No..."

"If any of them had had to stop giving you whatever benefit it was you got from them, would you still have loved or wanted them?" 

I grappled with the question. The truth was I had always been completely selfish in my dealings with people. I didn't care if they were happy. I only cared if I was happy and anything that affected my happiness was a concern. A selfless love is one I have never experienced. Why would I care if he was happy with someone else? I care about whether I'm happy without him. Or whether I'm happy period. Every one of them have always given me something. And that something was companionship, for I liked their company. And the truth is without those benefits they confer upon me, they are essentially useless. 

"No."

"You see. You've never loved. You're not capable of love. All those little things, those sweet romantic little things that also break your heart. They're shallow. And superficial when you mull over them. They may not be for someone else, but for you they are. Because you're unable to love. So essentially all those things mean nothing to you. They sure as hell don't mean love. All they mean to you is a strike to your self esteem and your sense of self worth. Don't kid yourself. It was never about them. It was always about you. Because you're not capable of love."