Mademoiselle Dishes on W.

Mademoiselle made an interesting observation about one of my friends the other day. W has always been somewhat the charming sort. Talks a mile a minute, affluent and it shows. There's a confidence in his swagger that makes itself known to those around him be it consciously or subconsciously.

But Mademoiselle had dismissively waved him off and said that he was a guy in denial. Someone who tries very hard to be a nice and understanding person and hides the parts of him that do not conform to those standards.

She said that W may not be a simple person but he isn't horribly complex either. She had him all figured out.

He knows what he should be and what he wants to be. The nice and understanding sort of friend. He tries very hard not to judge, although he cannot stop himself and therefore he keeps it silent and tries not to let it show although it still does somehow. He maintains a detachment to everything and everyone in his life besides his immediate family members and ties made with him are hardly ever as strong as it could be with another as he forgets easily. In a way, he prides himself of his apparent inscrutability and apathy. In another way he wants to be the good friend who's always there and he goes through the motions best he can although the fact of the matter is he doesn't really care a lot about a lot of people and it shows somehow.

In relation to his close friends, Mademoiselle had this to say with a nonchalant wave.

"W is a reasonably straight and honest guy. The only person he's not honest to is himself."

"How do you know all this?" I had asked her.

And she answered with a smirk. "Because I see a bit of myself in him although not nearly as pathetic. I'd like to think I have a bit more class to it than he does. And I am not as obvious either," she sneered.

"The fact that most have no idea is proof that it's working. Oh how those fools assume that they know all about me. But they don't even come close to understanding." She trilled with laughter.

Leaning back she added. "And also because most people are quite easily read. At least to me they are. Should I expend my precious attention on them. " She said with a smug smile.

Well, go Mademoiselle. *smiles* And she is right.

W and Sugar asked me once why I hesitate to tell them what was on my mind. It wasn't Sugar. I would've told her in an instant for I knew she would not think less of me. It was W I was worried about. Because I knew that although he would try very hard not to, he can't help it, he will judge me. And knowing that, I do not feel like talking to him about much or anything even. Total waste of energy and effort if you ask me.

Tell Me Something New.

As far as advice goes, no one has ever been able to give me something that I need but didn't already know. Something that totally hits me like, Oh my gosh! You were so right! It totally worked! YES! Thank you thank you THANK YOU!

No.

$@#%&#...

*scoffs* You're never good enough for anyone. This one's not right. That one's not right. That's not good enough. No, this is wrong. That is wrong. Oh good Lord, gimme a break. What're you expecting anyway? Are they even reasonable expectations? And believe me when I say something. I'm the one doing it. I know.

Somehow you can practice all you want and feel that you're really prepared. Then you get there and everything falls to pieces. And you don't feel like you were able to give your best or even of reasonable quality. Fuck this shit. How're you supposed to do something if things keep going crap like that? $@#%&#.

Before You Say A Thing...

In relation to my previous post, I do know some people who might shake their heads upon reading it and possibly say that that is a very shallow thing to say.

This is what I mean when I said "possibly elitist" by the way.

People who pride themselves with their intelligence commonly share a taste for the thought-provoking and the "tasteful" materials. And that is all fine and good.

But it rather disgusts me that if I do not share that taste, then I am "shallow".

Yes, it is intelligent writing. It is clever. Thought-provoking, real heavy stuff, I get it. But it is also freakishly depressing and if that is distasteful to me, I should be able to say it without garnering judgements from the "intelligent" people about my depth of thought.

Wake up people. How deep do you think you are, making judgements such as that? I get it, you're smart, you're intelligent. But what is the point if at the end of the day you turn up your noses at others just like the "shallow" people you disdain?

My tastes should not be the only determining factor of my depth of thought. And in a sense, who are we to judge "depth of thought" and who are we to claim to know better anyway? I get it, judgements like these are passed and made everyday. I make them too. I watch it, but I do make them. It's inevitable. Part of being human actually. But I do take notice. Do you?

Sugar is a genuinely non-judgemental person. She REALLY doesn't judge. She harbours no thoughts of whether a person is deep or shallow, smart or dumb, etc. She sees the best in people and she's really one of the purest souls I've ever met.

Now she may be no philosopher (then again how many of us really are?), but she got one thing right that many other "intelligent" people just always seem to get wrong. She looks at the world through very accepting eyes. Something that a lot of us just can't seem to do well enough.

So now, we have a very interesting question on our hands. What do we do? What's the right to do? Never judge anyone ever? *snorts* Right. Impossible. If that were the case there will be no such thing as opinions. The alternative, on the other hand, is also bad for the obvious reasons. So now what? What would you do?

God, I hate circular arguments. They go nowhere. Lots of debating later, and you end up right back where you started. At square one. Because it's probably the only square that exists in these cases anyhow. Now I know why they say that nobody's perfect. You just can't win. There's no perfect balance. And even if there was, I'd really like to meet that someone who actually gets it all right all the time.

Psychological Novels.

Grotesque by Natsuo Kirino is THE most depressing book I have EVER read. It is seriously fucking depressing. I felt miserable just reading it. And I got to about 80 pages before deciding that I could not continue any more. It was just TOO depressing. I felt like this huge dark cloud was hovering over me the whole time I read. It was gloomy, it was twisted, it was weird, it was the stuff of dark, gothic mangas maybe. The kind where they ponder the meaning of misery and the innate cruelty or evil in every person kind of thing. The kind where none of the characters ever seem to be happy and they all live in a perpetual state of psychological instability and uncertainty, and speak in low monotones. *shudders* It was depressing. The Japanese seem to like this kind of stuff.

I mean I don't deny the "deepness" of the novel. It certainly provokes a lot of thought. Miserable ones but still. It's... reflective. Of the human spirit, of the mind, of love and relationships between family members and friends, in a way. In a depressing kind of way.

God I hate psychological novels. They all lead nowhere. And "happiness" is a contraband there.

Stephen King's Lisey's Story is another one of those. Full of flashbacks, retrospective kind of stuff. Wikipedia brands it a "psychological thriller". Yeah psychological. Hate it. Depressing stuff.

I think any novels that "explores human nature" is depressive in a way. Even happy endings can have these bittersweet undertones that somehow never escape a story like that. Paulo Coelho's stuff are good examples. I mean what does it say? That humans are miserable creatures? That introspection leads to depressing discoveries?

My friend, he seems to like a bittersweet existance. He embraces it. Calls disenchantment a neutral state of being. Riiiight. Ok... Well not me. I've had enough of bittersweet. It's no state of existence. Whatever happened to the pursuit of "happyness" (heh heh heh). It exists because people wanna be happy. I don't know what kind of twisted, non straighforward (possibly elitist) pleasure that people get out of "bittersweetness" but it's lost on me.

Give me a romantic comedy anyday. Cheesy, happy and highly optimistic. Incidentally, Leap Year is awesome. It's funny. Really funny.