Why Did I Have to Fall in Love?

It has been a thought that occurred to me for some time now in the midst of my emotional torment that is once again and always unrequited love. I don't know what is it about me that I always seem to care for someone who could never feel the same way for me. It has been a while since I have felt a "crush" and I have little doubt that it is possible that what I feel now, is love. I wonder if our feelings and the intensity of them thereof matures as we do. Where once I was a girl and was having crushes on people, now I fall in love. Unfortunate of course when that love happens to be unrequited but love nevertheless. 

I do not understand why and what I feel towards him. Only that it is truly inexplicable. He treats me with such little grace that one would be off put by the idea of falling in love with someone such as that. He is throughly, a bad idea less the fact that he does not love me back. And it is torment. Parts of me wish that he could while other parts of me feel a despair that he never could and they chase each other around in my head every day. Every smile he graces me with turns my hope around and only to send it dashing back to the ground. Every kind word sends me soaring but then every time it comes back to the same old spot same old story and rain starts pouring again. The truth is, I am not what he wants and I can never be. It hurts me to the core to think about everything that churns my mind around when thoughts of him come unbidden. It feels like a wrench is thrown into the workings of my heart and lodges there, refusing to set me free. But I love him. And I have never dared to say it to anyone, to admit it to anyone and I doubt I ever will. I have hidden that truth about what happened from everyone because I couldn't bear the recounting of that story. It always brings a hollow thud to my heart. Why did I have to fall in love?