Your Place in the World.

There is something to be said for being so secure in your own identity that you don't care what others may think about you, none of it matters. To be so secure about your own place in this world that validation is a thing of the past and no longer necessary. I am tired. Tired, of being so conscious about what I'm doing "right" and what I'm doing "wrong". Of being please when I do get something "right" and not so pleased when I don't. I am tired of wanting to be something and or someone that someone can be proud of and grateful to have. Someone that someone would want. Someone special in the eyes of that special someone. And failing to do so and become so time and time again. It leaves you feeling empty and drained. Because no matter how hard you try you cannot be that someone. I cannot be that someone if I'm not already it in the first place. I'm tired of trying to be someone he would want, tired of trying so hard to prove that I am and or can be that someone he would want. And though it is disheartening, and saddening that he would want something else, it is just something I have to come to terms with. Because there is no other way around it. It hurts me whenever it is brought it my attention, every little pang with every little reminder that I will never be that someone he wants. And it hurts. It chips away at my self esteem. It makes me question deep down inside me what is it that is not good enough about me, why am I not good enough even though I know full well in my mind that it is not about a question of good enough, it is and has always been a question about different and nothing to do with merit whatsoever. But somehow my heart just can't feel it and my soul doesn't seem to believe it. 

I am tired of trying to be something that I am not. And failing at that. He was right. Of course I always knew he's right. The important thing is being secure and comfortable within yourself and after that, nothing else matters.