Making Love Out of Nothing at All

It would seem that I have not been forthcoming with myself lately. I have told lies and lies again to myself, one piling on top of the other just so that I could save myself the pain of dealing with the truth. But the truth is never going to go away, no matter how hard I look away from it. It will always stay there, a gentle reminder that one cannot run from oneself for too long. Eventually it will turn to you and it will force you to acknowledge it. For the truth is a part of you and will not allow itself to die. For your own good. 

And so I have been confronted with the truth. It was a bitter pill to swallow but I had to at the end. There was no way around it. Where I always have the tendency to fall for the wrong men, and so I did again. It is true that I felt for him. There is no point hiding it now. Why is it this thing in the universe that we will always want what we cannot have? Where does this all lead to and what does it perpetuate? This endless circling. Or are we all meant to learn something at the end of it. That life is fleeting and wanting is for nothing. 

I have been shattered so completely by this betrayal, it was like a knife to my very soft, tender heart. Already bruised and beaten, sliced through with a sharp, senseless blade mid-beat; sending it into a flurry of stutters and stops. And while it is just a sorrow of the heart, we are made with hearts and thus we must acknowledge this. The very real pain of its existence. 

And now I feel a weakening of all my forces. All that I held true and dear to myself, all that I thought was real about myself, maybe it was all a lie. Maybe I was the villain in this story after all. I was just too blind in my heart to see it. And maybe this shattering is what I need for my walls to finally come down. To give up this endless and futile battle against the perceived evil of the senses, my feelings and my thoughts. I was born with an inclination towards the heart and soul and it is pointless to deny it any longer. I feel not the strength to carry on this farce. 

My journey is no one else's but my own. And while I have been adamantly refusing to believe that it is my fault and I could have anything to do with it, the fact is my journey is mine and mine alone. And it has nothing to do with anybody. What they do on their journey is none of my business. I will run my race because it is mine to run. And I will not let myself blame others or anything else for my failures or successes. My life is mine to lead and I shall lead it with blinders on. True to my cause and come what may, some may latch on and other will fall away. But we all have our paths to follow and for however long our paths may cross with each other's, maybe we shall all learn something from one another. Even from the most unlikely of places. 

I want to help because I care. I want our lives to connect because I care. But of it won't then it won't. And I cannot do anything about it neither should I. His path is his own. And where we may connect and for how long in each other's lives, God only knows. And in Him I put my trust.