Confessions.

I saw him, dancing about 11 months ago at the House of Smith. He was alone, and standing in front of the glass windows to the smoking area and just dancing. And he was good. My friends and I stood there and watched for a while and we wondered why he was alone. I was meant to find a one night stand that night, so I was meant to find a guy, take him home, shag him and never meet him again. But that wasn't my game; that was never my game and I was as disinterested in every man in the club as I had always been. So when my friends asked me if I had found one, I said him. I only wanted him. He was the only guy that piqued my interest somewhat the entire night and so I thought he would be as good as any. 

I finally got the guts to go talk to him the third time we ran into him that night and so I followed him out into the smoking area and struck up a conversation. He was nice, and he was friendly and I enjoyed that conversation more than I really expected to. I considered him a possibility but I stopped when I found out that he was a nurse. It just made a buzzer in my head go "eeek!" and I lost interest. So I declined his offer to send me home that night and after a halfhearted inquiry into whether he had social media which turned up the fact that he didn't, we went our separate ways and I never expected to see him again. My friends asked me why I didn't ask for his number and I told them that it was because I didn't want it. I was in a very good place, and I didn't want to have anything to do with men. 

Two weeks later we went back to the same club and this time, I had a jilted crush to get over. It was not looking to be a very good night in particular; we were tired out and resting in a corner by 2 am as we always do. And that's when I saw a rather unusual looking person sitting alone not 5 feet from us. But it was not until he got up and started dancing that I recognized him instantly. We started talking again and dancing slightly and when he came onto me I did not expect it. It was strange and rather unusual and I didn't know what to do. But I decided in the spirit of forgetting my old crush, why not just sleep with this guy. He seemed nice, he was friendly and definitely had way better conversations than any of the other drunken buffoons in the club. So I took him home with me. He was surprisingly nice and he talked to me for an hour after. Something I did not expect from a one night stand. But he left in the morning and I did not get any method of contacting him again. 

I don't know exactly when I started gaining interest in him. The shag was good and I liked it. But I didn't have any means of contacting him and so we went back to the same club the next week hoping to run into him there again. And lo and behold! Somehow we did. He made it clear from the first instant that he wasn't interested in a relationship and that we could be fuck buddies. And I said yes. It was silly of me but I did something that I'd never done before then. Entering into a casual sex agreement. It was against everything I used to believe in and everything I was used to doing and o marvel at the fact that I took that leap. 

Somewhere along the lines, I fell in love with him. I didn't realise that I had fallen in love with him. I knew that I liked him, and I knew I definitely at least wanted to be friends. But I don't know when, I fell in love with him. Or I realised I was in love with him. In retrospect, maybe I did fall in love with him the first time I met him. I fell in love with an amiable, companionable goof that loved to dance and was good at it. A person that I have not seen since then. But I am still in love with him and the deed is done. 

When he told me he fell for my friend after I'd introduced them, it broke my heart like nothing else. I could hear it shattering amidst my streaming tears. And when he told my other friend, in a drunken stupor and in an effort to get into her pants, that he was bored of me; that hurt me very deeply as well. And when he accused me of playing the victim and turning them against him, it bled from the repeated blows. Thus began the worst week I had in a long time. And I sat and watched as he admired her and showered interest upon her. Swooned at her words and hung onto every word. And I sat and watched as well when he left the club upset, on the last night of their trip here because he couldn't have her. And I consoled him and all the while wept silently inside in my sore, shattered heart. That memory has scarred me in a way I didn't expect it to. My self esteem was shattered. My heart was broken. And all I wanted was to just be able to walk away from it all and not be affected by the implications of that incident which kept haunting me and pushing my sense of self worth to the ground. But I still loved him dearly. And despite all of that, all I wanted was not to lose him. And so I stayed. Despite my shattered heart and my broken dreams, I stayed with him because I didn't want to lose him. 

I'd never completely gotten over it and it affected me so much, in more ways than I thought it would. And I was naive. I had hoped that if I stayed around long enough then maybe someday, eventually  he will fall in love with me too. I never told anyone about anything because I was too ashamed. I fell in love with him when I wasn't supposed to. I entered into this when an inkling in my heart knew that I wanted to be more than just fuck buddies. I knew but I ignored it. And I was so ashamed of being another one of an all too common statistic. So I told no one. It was the biggest mistake I had ever made and part of me regrets it dearly. But another part of me knew. I had always been a hopeless romantic, and if there was ever an illusion of a chance even, I would take it regardless of the risks. I never thought that there would ever come a day when I would be ashamed because of my love for someone. And all the time I fell deeper and deeper in love with him. We texted every day and he started coming over slightly more frequently than he used to. And I fell deeper in love. One day I realised that he was being nicer to me these days than he had ever been to me and I saw hope. Despite my best intentions I had hope. I loved him so much. Even the thought of living without him drove me to madness and despair which further fuelled my downward spiral in areas other than just love. Desperation has its way of driving and accelerating downfalls.

And then one day, after I had gotten my contraceptive implant he just suddenly relapsed into a version of his old self. He was saying things and speaking like he used to before that spell of time when he was suddenly nicer to me and that shocked and nauseated me. It disturbed me more than it otherwise would have and I was confused and disappointed and didn't know what was going on. And began the downward spiral of me. Now I don't know if the hormones had anything to do with it but I spiralled out of control into a deep and self loathing depression. And I could not hold it in any longer. I began asking him questions, just hoping desperately to hear him say that he did care for me and to rebut my worst fears about the situation. And he did at first but I didn't believe him. They say actions speak louder than words and in my mind, his actions spoke very loudly indeed. But he was patient and indulged me for a time.

Then one day, after a long and revealing message to him in which I opened up and told him things I have held close to me for a long time and I explained my need for his help, he suddenly turned around and said that I was expecting too much of him and that all he wanted from me was first and foremost and primarily, sex. He had made it clear from the start. And he didn't even want to be friends because for him to make friends requires him to make a lot of emotional investment. I felt like everything I perceived to have built was crumbling all around me. And I was reeling. My heart was swollen in its sorrow and in its disappointment and I was reeling with the hormones and the emotions and they drove me mad. I didn't know what had happened. How could I have been so wrong and so naive? And so hopeful? I couldn't believe how wrong I had been and if not then how spectacularly I had ruined whatever it is I may have built. I could feel the old cracks in my heart breaking open again and the pain and sorrow pouring out from the seams. I begged him to come talk to me because somehow even after all that, deep down inside I still desperately didn't want to lose him. Because I loved him that much. It was strange. It was disappointing. It was heartbreaking and it didn't make sense. 

I don't know where we are now and what is happening even though I want so desperately to know for sure what is going on. And more importantly, how will it pan out in the end. He has caused me so much hurt. And I fear that everything that has happened has cemented the ruin of anything I may have built if there was anything at all, which in the circumstances indicate that it was unlikely I ever did. And the hurt still lingers. I want to ask him those questions but now there is also the fear that I have gone too far and wrecked the delicate balance. That those questions might just make things worse or I won't get the answers I want due to the current situation. That I may have passed the point of no return. Is this the end? 

Questions to the Reverend.

"I just wanted to ask you something. Have you ever wanted to know something so badly? And you pray and you just wish that the Divine will give you an inclination or a sign as to what's going on. I've prayed and I've asked for signs so many times on what to do, where to go and what is going on; wishing that I had just some inclination to guide my path. And maybe you do get them and maybe you don't. I don't know. But that's just the thing. After a while, you realise that even if you did get a sign, you can't interpret it and most of the time, you can't even recognise it. You don't know what's a sign, if it's a sign and what's it's trying to tell you and then, you're back at square one again. Not knowing anything. So what if you really really really wanted to know? I know that maybe sometimes we can't know; and we just have to live by faith. And I know that the nature of faith is its inclination to be uncertain and unknown. But have you ever wanted to know something so badly; when you really needed the guidance? ... How do you deal with that?"

Snapshot 1.

Day is but a momentary thrill, a fleeting rush when the sun shines and the world springs to life. But when the sun goes down and world sleeps with it, the truths of the lives of the people around us live in ways they never can, blinded by the light of the day and the activity of the morn. 

The Question of Strength.

I never really thought that there would ever be a time when the thing I'm most ashamed of in my life is my love for someone. But now here we are and here I am; too afraid to tell anyone I've fallen in love. There would've been no point in talking about it anyway. But that still doesn't detract from the point that the reason I don't talk about it to anyone is because I'm too ashamed of it. 

I know I wasn't supposed to. And from the start I knew I would. And I decided to do it anyway. But I never was not stupid when it comes to these things. The hopeless romantic in me always hopes that things will work out and how can it if I never try? And if I never take the risk? I can't say I regret it. I made the only decision I could have back then. And maybe life's emotional ravages have left me a wreck, but I can't help thinking that it's for a purpose. 

I was naive and I was golden. And it's easy to be nice when you're happy and when you're surrounded by glow, people are attracted to you in a way and that makes you happier, feel more in place. And the cycle begins upwards and upwards. But the same can be said for the downward cycle. I might've used to be golden. But now I'm not anymore. I'm fighting for scraps beside so many vermin by the sides of a road called "emotions" and "love". It is known also by many other names like "acceptance" and "belonging" and many more. 

I don't know when I started to lose sight of who I am; or who I thought I was. All I know is that it happened sometime along the way and it just slipped quietly away, not announcing its intentions to go and never come back. And thus a child experiences its first instances of abandonment. Maybe it's like shedding the old skin and shrugging into the new. And then having a user manual argument over how to makes sense of the new gadget. My new skin has come with many new heartbreaks and where my old one was golden, the new seems more a slick shade of black. Like oil. But then again, oil is also known as liquid gold. So maybe there is hope for me yet. 

I now understand many things I never even know I didn't know. I know why she did that. I know what she felt now. And I know what I felt then. And what I feel now. And that's how I know what she might've been going through. It's a sad truth to bear and it's a bitter pill to swallow. For her then and for me now. I know now also many other things I have taken forgranted and sworn off in my stance borne out of ignorance and a lack of understanding. And a part of me is ashamed that I ever did judge. That I ever did form those opinions I am now seemingly forced to swallow in my new understanding. And another part of me feels fear. For I understand that as people we do judge. And no one is exempt. For it would be many bitter experiences indeed if I were to be forced to learn that hard way why my opinions were ignorant and needed to change. Another part of me wonders why I need to know even when many go through their lives never needing to learn they were ever wrong. And I have learned much where love and pain comes into the picture. Somewhere along the road I have come to see love now as not the Disney version I always thought existed and would be the case for me. I know now that love is acceptance and swallowing the bitter pill many many times in less than ideal situations. It is discovering just how far you are willing to go for a person while forsaking yourself in the process. It is learning just how much you want something and how you can never know where the line will be drawn until you come to that line. I have forsaken all my principles and done all that I thought I never would do in the name of love. I have thrown myself so far from the safe zone from which I vowed to court love from and now have been embittered by the storms that sweep the desolate plains of where I stand from. Because though I may seem to have lost my compass, part of me knows I may have no intentions of ever going back anyway. I can't go back. I live here now. The shelter would be alien and it would be a lie. I've crossed a line and now I belong here although I never thought I ever would and I hoped I never would. 

More than anything, it has been a journey of learning. And it never was a sweet journey. But maybe the nectar is to be extracted from somewhere I never expected and is not yet found. But I will find it I think. Sometimes I think that I am not strong. But sometimes I wonder if maybe I am strong. And definitely stronger than this. In less than conventional ways, maybe even not in the best way. But strength is strength. And it can be moulded into whatever shape or form the bearer may wish it to be. 

Thoughts of Quiet Contemplation

It seems that I really am my own worst enemy. I was sitting on the bus today, a quiet peaceful journey through some beautiful english countryside. It was quite pleasant, very pleasant indeed actually. And while I sat on this journey my mind went on a journey of its own as it is wont to do in these later days. I thought back to a lot of things, a lot of things that left me feeling heavy and sad and lonely. It is not uncertainty now that whoever I fall in love with will only serve to bring me misery. There is no joy for me in these endeavours and I am inclined to give up; even if not now then very soon. What else is new. 

And in my intimations I felt a heavy pull on my heart. Like that of a weight, pulling me ever downward. I've never been loved. What that was, that was not love. And it resulted in a complete separation and thereafter complete indifference as if it was never there. It was never love. Maybe a close approximation of it but nothing more.

I've been incredibly fortunate in my life and for that I am extremely grateful. I have not had to bear the brunt of some of the storms that can weather a person but for reasons not known, I am perpetually denied that which I belief will give life much meaning. I am an empty husk of a person. Having never felt appreciation from someone for who I am, it seems that now I am incapable of love as well. I doubt myself when I wonder if what I call love is really love. I am incapable of love but yet I am very prone to hurt. So someone who is incapable of giving love and yet wants unconditional love beyond anything else. How does that make sense? 

I don't know when my obsession with obtaining love began. It crept up on me one day and before I knew it, it seems I can't live without it. Every day is an endless wait in which I berate myself for being such a fool as to hope. For my heart is torn, as torn as it can be without further physical damage. I don't know when this burning need took over everything that is good in my life and proceeded to create ruin to everything that I am. 

I don't understand how I can go on this way. Surely I cannot. 

You know I care

Why do you keep on insisting that I feel for you? Whatever for? I will never admit it, knowing how well you feel about it and how things stand. So why do you keep asking? Knowing clearly well that you don't want that to happen and if it did you would be dismayed by the inconvenience. And why do you keep implying while asking that you're deathly afraid of that happening. What purpose does it serve??? You're insulting me with every single time you do it and you're either really stupid or nursing some sadistic fantasy in doing so. You've already hurt me and insulted me enough. Falling for my friend when I was looking on was enough of a blow. And your behaviour that night, everything; the entire fiasco has reduced me to tears time and time again. Someone like you, you'd never know or understand what that pain feels like. You could never comprehend the depths to which that has hurt me and affected me and plunged me into an endless dilemma to which I see no end to. And yet I still hold on to you. You've wrecked me without even trying and you dare to call yourself a good person when everything you've done was to hurt me time and time again. Your play of innocence has worn off its charm and you know as well as I do that your every move seeks to hurt me and to undermine me and while you try to be nice and make amends or whatever, you're never actually doing it right. Are you really that stupid??? Or are you in denial. I hate people in denial. It's just a cowardly way to escape the truth for a little while and pretend you're innocent while you hurt the people around you. Yes I was a fool and I am a fool for falling for you. I've known that and I have accepted that long time ago. It was my own doing and it feels like I did not have a choice. You're here to teach me a lesson. But what lesson I've yet to figure out. You're here to teach me so far how much it can hurt, how low I can get, and to what depths my self esteem and self respect can sink to; beyond what I've ever imagined. I am both ashamed and chagrined at the fact that I feel so strangely for you. You cause me hurt. You've caused me so much hurt. And you continue to keep causing me hurt. While you entertain your fantasies of being a pure soul and innocent of any wrongdoing, your hands clean of any blood, at my expense. I want to be free. I want to shrug off the chains you've set around me and I want to be free of both myself and these cumbersome shackles of self doubt and inadequacy that I have around me. I want to stop feeling like I'm not good enough and yet still wanting desperately to get a hold of that... That dream. That dream that I can someday have the thing which I yearn for and not have it spurn me time and time again. To for once just not get slapped in the face every time for daring to try and to hope. You've shackled me to you and maybe this has to happen. Why??? To teach me hurt? To teach me how much a heart can bleed and every day when you love someone who doesn't love you back?? To then watch you willy nilly gander off to do whatever you so please while I sit there and hold my heart in my hands? And then to sit there and continue to laugh and smile and lie!!! And pretend that nothing is happening and nothing is wrong when you insult me, fall for my friend and announce to the world just how little you care for and think of me??? Why am I so stupid??? 

You know how much problems I am having with my self esteem. I would just really appreciate it if you didn't make it seem like that would be the worst thing in the world if I were to like you. Don't worry I know what you think of me and I understand your position on this very clearly. 

Questions on Fixation. Whatever for?

I've always been acutely aware of my own existence and questioned daily my purpose on this earth. Such awareness comes with two things. Fear and a constant inability to reconcile your place in this world. Especially when things get hard. 

I've been taken to thinking lately about my past relationship again and what it means to me. And I am struck by how much I am embarrassed by how I behaved when I was in that relationship. How spoiled how bratty. Has it changed me and affected me? No doubt. It probably has. But that is such a complicated cause and effect exercise that I cannot figure out how exactly. If nothing else it showed me that what I did was wrong. How I approached it was wrong. And how I dealt with my insecurities was wrong. And I had so many of them. He was my stamping board and how I viewed relationships probably due to my naïveté was definitely skewed. I understand now to a deeper extent what relationships are and what they're not meant to be. And it's glaring how much mistakes I made in my past one. Am I able to be in a good, healthy relationship now that I know this? God only knows. I don't know. What I learned from all this introspection is also I can't question too much and everything of what I do, what I say and everything that I am. Sometimes it's ok to just let go and exist for that is what we're meant to do. Why question everything in life and make yourself so rigid? Burdened by all the questions and notions of what you should be and who you shouldn't be. To whose standards? Life is hampered that way and you're perpetually in a state of hyper awareness like you're controlling an avatar in a video game. That shouldn't be the case. I am learning slowly how to let go and not question every inch of my existence and who I am. I should just let go and let it happen naturally. Let me flow from me naturally and maybe then world will take on a less than mechanical, incomprehensible tone and soften into the softer shades and hues of a happier humanity.