Thank you.

Yesterday was an amazingly, dizzyingly good day. Good days like that don't come very often. I am truly grateful. 

Prayer.

Every night I break into a desperate flurry of prayers. I pray that I will be delivered from this loneliness. That I will learn to live on my own and make my own happiness independent of anyone else. That myself would be enough. And then I pray and hope that love will be mine one day. What would I give to be one of those girls who don't want to get married like ever. Who don't even see the merit of love. Who are apathetic to its charms. What would I give to not need something I may not be able to have. I pray that that is not the case. 

Because I Am a Writer.

We won't run out if things to talk about because I am a writer my friend and I can tell you endless things about yourself and the world. You may or may not want to hear it but I will be telling you endless things. Half of it may be bullshit but you will listen to me anyway because I am a writer. 

Why Do We Often Want Things That Are The Worst For Us?

Why do we oft want things that are the worst for us? We want things that don't bring us any good besides the fleeting pleasures of forgetfulness and carelessness. If only for a day. Even a day is too long. Instant gratification all the way. 

Stupid Things.

We all do stupid things. Maybe it's part of the human condition that we all do stupid things some time or another. Things that we really shouldn't be doing and may perhaps be detrimental. But such are we, we are hopeful beings. Even in doing such stupid things we are always hopeful that things wil turn out for the better as opposed to the alternative. 

Coincidences.

Do you believe in coincidences? I may or may not have an answer to that myself but I believe coincidences are a beautiful thing. A fascinating thing. It is just wonderful how unexpected little things, or big things, happen and coincide unplanned and unschemed. 

When I went out last night I encountered a person walking out and held the door open. On the way back I encountered the same person again and we started talking. And we ended the night by talking outside for an hour and a half at the end of which I was absolutely shivering from the cold. But I had not expected to see that person again after I held the door open and we parted ways. Much less talking to that person for so long and having a conversation that flowed so easily. 

I shall not expect to encounter that person again. Even though we live in the same building, I shall not expect it. And I am a coward. Maybe I hope to, but I fear it all the same. What if the next time I see that individual conversation doesn't flow as freely as it did that night. I shall not be as drunk. I shall not be as at ease. And the coward in me fears that. It was beautiful. And I want to keep it that way. It was a beautiful thing that happened one night and I shall be content to keep it as that. And I thank God that it happened when it did. 

Bachelorette.

I watched "Bachelorette" today and was struck by how wholesomely unlikeable Kirsten Dunst's character was. She was bitchy, she was high strung, she was bossy and she was angry and stressed and tense and cynical and sarcastic and also somehow jealous and bitter. 

All in all, thoroughly unlikeable and unendearing. 

But then halfway through the movie, I started realizing, that I was her. Among all the characters in the movie, some funny, some quirky, some obnoxious, some awkward but all somehow likeable enough in some way or another, I was HER. 

It was like looking at a surface that reflected some of my innermost desires and feelings. It was like watching my world views on display in an art gallery. And it sucked. 

Because I was bitter. I was angry and I was cynical and unhappy even though I, as so eloquently put by James Marsden's character in the movie, "have no reason to be." 

It struck a nerve, that. Why? Why am I her? I know it's a question we can't really answer. Why is anyone whatever they are. But why? Why am I her? It may not have a proper answer but at the end of the day it makes a very good question.