You made such a big change in my life. It is impossible to even begin. I don't know why you had such an effect on me but you did and it scared me. It still scares me. I'm scared that I cannot get over you and I want you in my life, but you don't. And this has happened to me more times than I can care to imagine.
I know that the honeymoon period is a real thing. And that after a while, affection wanes. Passion wanes. But it isn't so for me. And I cannot understand how it can be so for you. How you can feel so strongly for me and then, nothing. It was beautiful when you cared. You were sweet, and attentive and you made me feel like I was safe, and cared for and not alone. It made me feel like I didn't need to fight the good fight alone anymore. And I wanted it to last. But you came into my life and it was beautiful, and then much to my chagrin, you learned more about me and you learned about who I am and that made you not love me anymore. You were disappointed in me. That I was not all that I promised. You learned about the darker things and you turned away and I couldn't stop you. I couldn't bring you back. Perhaps you had thought that I was perfect. And I was so disappointed that I couldn't be perfect for you. That I couldn't be all that you wanted me to be. And that made things worse. It seemed the more I tried to regain your affections, it just seemed to go more and more wrong. And you retreated further and further away from me. And I couldn't bring you back. I've always feared being a disappointment. That when people got to know who I am really am, I wouldn't shine as bright anymore. And then I'd be a disappointment.
I miss the times when you used to look at me like I was wonderful. Like I was amazing and perfect and you wanted to spend so much time with me. I miss the times when you treated me like I was special to you. Like you were lucky to have met me. When you cared about me and did your best and was happy to see me. But then it all went away and I became like a burden to you. You didn't want to meet me and spend time with me anymore. Your words and looks became more and more judgemental suddenly, like I was this broken thing that should have but was not living up to expectations. And I know that maybe it was wrong to infer that you were glad to leave this place and to leave me behind. But I cannot help it. Part of the many flaws you perceived in me as a person and made me such a disappointment. I can't help but feel like you were glad to be rid of me. And you would not want me back in your life if you had the chance. I miss you. I miss you so much.
I miss the way you used to hold me and kiss me like I was amazing and perfect. I miss having you around and spending time with you. I miss having you in my life. And now even though I try to keep contact, it still hurts when you don't respond to me as enthusiastically as you did back then and I can't help but feel that it's not that you're so busy. It's that you're just not interested anymore.
I prayed to God to send me an angel. An angel who would hold me and tell me that everything would be alright. And then he sent me you and everything was wonderful. And you held me and made me feel safe and protected and not alone. But then almost as quickly, he took you away from me again and I felt so betrayed. How could my angel break my heart? He was supposed to save me. How could he leave me now, broken hearted and disappointed again. I had so wished that God had answered my prayers this time. That I was finally getting that angel that I want and needed. But was it? Because he's gone now and all that's left is this huge gaping hole that he left behind. I miss you Shawn. I miss you so much.
And now, I regret everything. I regret everything that I am and have become. I don't make sense to me anymore. All that's left of whatever that's good inside of me feels like a wreckage. I regret letting it all wreck me like that. I regret what I've let it turn me into, even though I don't know any other way. And I don't know how I could've stopped it but I regret it nonetheless. I don't feel like much of a whole soul anymore. I feel lost and confused and disassembled and I don't know who I am. I feel like I have no substance that makes my soul whole. I feel like a ghost.
