"He said I changed."
Mademoiselle and Missy looked at me from across the circular table.
Mademoiselle was sitting with one leg crossed over her knee, the stiletto heel of her boots jutting out pointedly as if to stab at the air. She regarded me with a sideways glance and a small smile that bordered on a slight, albeit friendly, sneer. One hand resting lightly against her chin.
Missy just looked at me earnestly, her eyes expressive, a cocktail of thoughts brought on by my announcement.
They had an opinion, these two.
"So what do you think about that?" That was Missy.
"What do I think about this..." "I think he's right." I shrugged. "I just don't know... what to make of it. You guys know what I mean."
Of course they do.
"I think you changed for the better. The old you was far too... Stupid. I mean, you were a pale shadow of what you are now! Barely even halfway there I think." Mademoiselle said.
"You had a milder nature back then," Missy bit her lip. "You're pink then when you're red now, in a manner of speaking. I mean, for the most of it anyway."
I told them that my friend had said I was better then, as a person. He said I was kinder, and basically... Kinder.
Mademoiselle snorted in disgust. Even Missy smiled.
"Granted he barely knew me, knows me. I probably put on a better social front then though. Or at least gave off a more "pushover" message."
"Look, you were less developed as an individual back then. Your world was a small town and your social circle was... Lacking. I'd say any change now is good change. You're becoming more of a person." Mademoiselle waved her hand with an air of finality.
"Well, yeah, but you did lose some things. For one, you yourself said you thought you were smarter back then." Missy interjected. "And you don't write anymore! That creative spark seems to have died out with you somewhat," she added rather pointedly.
I just nodded. They both had a point. We all develope as individuals through our experiences and exposure. I was a poor shadow of what I can be back then. Flailing to survive. Even now, I am barely half of where I can be, if I let myself. But that is another story for another day.
I scoffed. "I guess I was more interested in being 'smart' smart back then. Read more, remembered more. When I came to college I guess I had other things on my mind," I chuckled. "And that "creative spark" died when I began feeling like I was trapped in a glass jar and running out of air. Even now I am not entirely sure what really killed it. I just stopped being inspired."
"You lost your sense of wonder," Missy helped. "Back then even though you were from the inside looking out, at all the things you wanted to touch, taste and feel, you retained your sense of wonder at it all. Funny, I thought it should actually increase with you being 'out of the jar' now."
"In a way your spirit burned brighter then," Mademoiselle shrugged reluctantly. "Or maybe, without having a lampshade on it."
"Look guys, I like what I am now. It's not perfect and there're days when I feel that I wanna be somebody else as per the Pink song, but for all that I seemingly lost, let die or wither, I can't bear ever being the way I was back then. The thought literally gives me pain! I don't WANT to be the old me."
I sighed.
"I know I lost some stuff and maybe that flame, it did burn a bit brighter back then. I realize that whatever changed, it was not entirely for the better. Some were admittedly, not... improvements per se. But with every passing day, I am successively finding out just how stupid I was yesterday. So... that's at least good."
"Or just that your opinion changed". Missy added helpfully (not so helpfully). "Well I guess it can't all be good. No such perfect thing."
Mademoiselle was silent. Now THAT is unusual. We both looked at her.
She just lit a stick and exhaled leisurely, drawing it out as long as possible, before finally looking down at the both of us and saying, "You're right." "I think when you take it all together, everything included, you still come out on top. At the end of the day it's more good than bad."
"You didn't need us to come to that conclusion did you?" Mademoiselle narrowed her eyes.
I smiled. No. But having them helped.
